Often times we are asked to do something in our professional life that is in conflict with our own personal values. Should we take a stand and not deliver? How do we resolve our internal conflict? As a nurse this came up often. Once we had a patient that was 15-years old. She was getting prenatal care, and this was her fourth pregnancy. She had been pregnant and miscarried three previous times but it looked as if she was going to carry this pregnancy to term. For many of the staff the idea of a 15-year old clearly desiring and trying for a successful pregnancy was in conflict with their own values of what age you should be before becoming emotionally, physically and financially responsible for a baby. However, this patient was not asking us whether or not we thought it was right, she was asking us to care for her and her unborn child for the best possible outcome.

I cared for her and managed her care based on this realization. It was no longer about whether or not she should be having this baby, but about how can we make this a successful pregnancy and prepare her for motherhood. We monitored her nutrition carefully, teaching her how to be as healthy as she can be for her baby. She was genuinely interested and followed our direction to the tee. We got social services involved to make sure her living arrangements were suitable for a new baby, and even identified alternative living arrangements once the baby arrived. We got her enrolled in Lamaze classes and breast feeding classes. She absorbed all of the information like a sponge.

She carried the pregnancy to term and once the baby was born she was prepared to care for it in the best way possible. She was connected to all of the social programs that would support her. She decided to breast feed the baby. And when you observed her with the baby she was very loving, gentle and confident with her. It was a blessing to see. Our job was not to judge her but to give her compassionate care, and that set her up for the best possible outcome.

Now I work in medical advertising. When I tell my colleagues about my job, they make me feel as if I went to the “dark side.” But I do my job with pride and feel that I have a responsibility to keep the information accurate and responsible, no matter what the subject. Sometimes I will be asked big questions about a product or therapy that challenge my thinking and values. People ask could a procedure be considered medically necessary (vs. optional), does is it’s MOA unique in the category? When I consider the patient who has the need for the procedure, and when I consider with compassion how this might affect them, I follow my personal beliefs and present the information about the procedure or therapy in a responsible and reasonable manner. My colleagues and clients are not asking me to determine if the procedure is right or wrong, they are asking me to have compassion for the patient who is considering having the procedure done, what they would need to know, and how they can be informed for the best possible outcome.

And in my personal life, as a parent of adult children now I have come to realize that they too do not want to be judged by me. There are times when they share aspects of their lives with me that I may not approve of but they don’t want to know if I think it is right or wrong. They are making the determination of what is right or wrong for themselves.  What they want from me is unconditional love and acceptance. When they want my opinion they will ask me for it. They are not asking me to “bail them out” when they make a decision that has consequences. They are taking charge of their lives, so I need to keep my judgments to myself and marvel in their accomplishments. What is best for them is to listen with compassion and care.

I have still have values that I treasure and uphold, but I don’t need to apply them to others, they are my values that guide my life. But when it comes to others I must remind myself of what I am being asked to consider, and what is being asked of me. Then my conflict is less important and compassion becomes the focus.