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Maggie Hallett

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Just because it’s virtual doesn’t mean it’s not real

Published by Maggie Hallett on February 2, 2012.

As a psychotherapist, I’ve generally been of the mindset that a good ol’ face-to-face conversation is the most effective way to connect with another human being on an emotional level.  Like many therapists, I’ve been wary of the way communication has changed throughout the digital era, which is to say I’ve been mindful of what I perceived to be surface-level connections through 140-character text limits, or time taken away from connecting with the people who really matter—those sitting next to you on the couch—as you check out a friend of a friend’s trip to Hawaii on Facebook.  I found myself judging those whose online personas completely outshine their in-person personalities, assuming it’s easier for them to be sparkly, witty, and overly opinionated when they don’t have to see the faces of the people with whom they are communicating.  I thought about how empty their lives must be, not being able to connect in the flesh.  I patted myself on the back for being able to have real conversations with people.  And for not joining Twitter…

Well, I was knocked off my high horse pretty swiftly this week.

I sit on the board of directors for a fantastic non-profit organization called POEM, which helps new mothers suffering from postpartum depression and other perinatal mood disorders.  Our board meetings start and end with a “mission moment,” during which the executive director shares how moms using POEM’s services have been helped since our last meeting.  This week, the mission moment was about the increase in attendance of the monthly support group meetings.  I, of course, felt smug; this is how moms should be seeking help—in a face-to-face setting so they can see, hear, and feel, firsthand, others going through similar difficulties.

Then she shared the reason for the increase in attendance…

Facebook.

The support group leaders have recently created a closed group on Facebook for the moms seeking help from POEM to connect and chat in between meetings.  What they weren’t expecting was for it to be a major catalyst for real relationships.  Women were joining in droves, and they weren’t just writing encouraging posts of support and understanding; they were making lunch and play dates with one another.  Thanks to this online group, they all felt more compelled to go to the actual support group meeting because they had “tested the waters” and felt comfortable with the other women in attendance.  Plus, they were going shopping afterward!

Also, thanks to the online group, there were not only more moms in attendance at the support group, there were more moms being helped by POEM.  Women who were unable to make it to the group because of physical distance, transportation, or babysitter issues were still able to get the support they were seeking through the Facebook conversations.  And the online group has become so popular that the support group leaders now have a bimonthly moderated online chat—a virtual support group in real time.

In an e-mail to the support group leader, one mom noted (paraphrased), “Although I don’t post on the boards, just reading the other posts and knowing others are experiencing what I am experiencing is enough to get me through the day.”

So, a big lesson learned.  It’s time for me to embrace the inevitable and allow myself to see the emotional benefits that can come from connecting virtually.  Though I still believe that online connections cannot fully replace face-to-face connections, they certainly can enhance and enable them.

Categories: Health and wellness marketing and New ideas and approaches
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mhallett

The Art of Mindfulness

Published by Maggie Hallett on September 23, 2011.

There has been a lot of talk recently about information overload, the downsides to multitasking, and how focus and concentration have become novel ideas. In earlier posts, Dawn shared suggestions about dealing with distractions at work, and Bob talked about the hazards of being too connected and the negative effects of not being able to remain focused. At the end of his post, Bob asked for solutions. I have a suggestion…

It’s called being mindful.

On Tuesdays, my work is very different from the Account Service work I do the rest of the week, because I work as a therapist specializing in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) for the treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. DBT is a wonderful mixture of traditional Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (recognizing unhealthy thought patterns and working to change them, thus changing responses to them) and Mindfulness (living in the present moment with awareness). Mindfulness is the basis and foundation of DBT skills. The other skills—interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, and emotion regulation—are difficult to master without the ability to be mindful.

So what exactly is mindfulness, and how do we become more mindful? I think the easiest way to explain mindfulness is through examples of when we are not being mindful (which is most of the time).

Example 1

You are driving home after work and you are replaying the last conversation you had with a client or co-worker. You felt it was unfinished, so you are planning how you’d like to continue it tomorrow, and you actually preview how the conversation will go in your mind. Meanwhile, you’ve pulled into your driveway, having no recollection of the actual drive home because you were so wrapped up in your thoughts about the past and the future.

Example 2

You’re having a good day. It’s nice outside and you actually get to go out to lunch. Right before lunch, you are emptying out some old personal e-mails and you come across one from a family member with whom you’ve been having some issues. It immediately stirs up all of the feelings of anger, hurt, and anxiety that surround the relationship, even though nothing in the moment has happened or changed. Your fine day just became a lot darker because you can’t stop thinking about that e-mail and the issues you are having.

Example 3

You are reading this blog, listening to your co-worker’s conversation next to you, designing a Web site, and thinking about dinner.

Mindfulness involves conscious awareness of your current thoughts, feelings, and surroundings. Raising awareness of the present can ultimately help to control concentration and impulses. So when you are driving, you are focused only on driving, and when you are building a Web site, you are focused only on building a Web site. And when a thought comes into your mind that triggers a negative emotion, you are aware of the thought (and the feelings that come with it) but let it pass without holding on to it and allowing it to spiral into unhealthy rumination. This last example is probably the most difficult to master.

In DBT, we teach mindfulness in two parts: the “what” skills and the “how” skills. The “what” skills are what to do to become mindful, and the “how” skills are how to do it.

What Skills

Observe your thoughts and feelings: Notice what you are experiencing without getting caught up in the experience. Step inside yourself and watch your thoughts coming and going, but do not hold on to any of them. Notice what comes through your senses—sight, smell, taste, etc. Notice the actions and expressions of others.

Describe your thoughts and feelings: Put words on experiences; this tends to keep you honest. Name your feelings. Make sure to call a thought a thought and a feeling a feeling. “I feel like no one listens to me” is NOT a feeling. “I feel lonely” or “I feel ignored” are feelings.

Participate in each moment: Enter into your experiences, forgetting yourself. Attempt to lose self-consciousness. Act intuitively, trust yourself, and accept both yourself and the situation as they are.

How Skills

Non-Judgmentally: See, but do not evaluate. Focus on “just the facts” and attempt to unglue your opinions from the facts. Acknowledge the good and the bad, but don’t judge any of it.

One-Mindfully: Do one thing at a time. If you find yourself distracted (either by others or your own mind), go back to what you are doing again and again and again.

Effectively: Focus on what works. Attempt to stay away from right or wrong, fair and unfair, etc. Play by the rules; try not to cut off your nose to spite your face. Act as best as you can to meet the needs of the real situation you are in. Keep an eye on your objectives, and do your best to let go of anger, vengeance, and righteousness.

Mindfulness, in concept, seems pretty simple. But it’s one of the hardest things to do in practice, especially in recent times.  Like any other skill you are trying to master, mindfulness takes practice, practice, and more practice. And the best way to practice mindfulness is to become aware of when you are not being mindful and bring yourself back to the present moment.

I could write forever about mindfulness–the benefits are endless. However, since good blog etiquette doesn’t recommend that, I’ll leave you with this:

Mindfulness can be life-altering because it gives you the opportunity to control your thoughts instead of allowing your thoughts to control you.

*For more information on health and wellness visit thewellatgsw.com

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mhallett

Good relationships with co-workers helps keep emotional wellness in check

Published by Maggie Hallett on August 3, 2011.

For many of us, it isn’t just what we do for a living that’s important; it’s who we do it with. According to a study in the Journal of Applied Communication Research, “co-worker liking” had a high positive correlation to job satisfaction. But maintaining enjoyable, healthy relationships with co-workers isn’t always easy in high stress, competitive environments. Consider the following situation and the five simple steps you can take to manage the interaction and come out feeling good about yourself in the process.

Situation: Your boss assigns you to a big project that will be getting a lot of attention within the organization. You are thrilled about the opportunity, but dismayed when you find out your boss has also assigned one of your co-workers to lead it with you. You like the co-worker personally, but in your past experience working on projects together you’ve found that you usually do 80% of the work, and when it’s complete she has no problem taking 50% of the credit. You are determined to not let that happen again, but you’re also nervous about difficult conversations and confrontations you anticipate happening.

  • Remember, you are not a mind reader: Do not assume the co-worker is thinking “Sweet! I’m partnered with a workhorse. I know I won’t have to do much and I’ll still look good…” By making assumptions about what someone else is thinking, it becomes your truth—even though it may not actually be true. You enter the situation on the defensive, with a suspicious, negative mindset, which is never a good way to begin a partnership.

  • Set ground rules: Put a plan in place that clearly outlines everyone’s responsibilities. Make sure it’s in writing, and share it with your boss so she’s also aware of who’s responsible for what.  If your co-worker is not doing her part, it is now easier to approach the subject since it was agreed upon by all parties up front.  Also, make sure to address your co-worker directly before going to your boss so she’s aware that you have an issue with the situation. Give her the opportunity to fix it before involving anyone else.
  • Just the facts, ma’am: If you feel like your co-worker is slacking, make sure that you stick to only the facts when reviewing the situation—both in your head and with her. It’s our natural reaction to add some color commentary to a heated situation, so attempt to take the emotion out of the interaction to come across more professional and less accusatory. For example:  “We agreed that you’d be done with the budget by Friday, and it’s not complete. Can you let me know what your plan is to get it done in the next 24 hours?” versus  “You’re not done yet?? Are you kidding me? It’s going to put us so far behind!!” You can see how the different lines of questioning will likely garner very different responses.
  • Never say never (or always): When having a difficult conversation, try to remove the words “never” and “always” from your vocabulary.  It’s hard to stick with the facts when using extremes like “You are always late!” or “You never support me in meetings.” Most likely neither of these things are true, even though it’s how you feel. However, you won’t accomplish your goals (of your co-worker arriving on time or supporting you in meetings) if you approach her with extremes instead of the facts.
  • There IS an “I” in “Team”: When a difficult conversation is necessary, it’s much easier to make it about you versus the other person. Using “I statements” forces you to share how you are feeling about what your co-worker is doing rather than making it about her and immediately putting her on the defensive.  You can see how “I feel taken advantage of when you ask me to do your portion of the proposal” is more difficult to dispute than “I have to do everything. You always get away with the easiest part!” No one can argue with how you are feeling, because, well, they are your feelings. But as soon as you tell someone else they are doing something wrong, their natural reaction will be to defend themselves.

The gist of these five rules can apply to all relationships, not just at work. If you can remember to remain factual about the situation and stick with explaining how you feel, you’ll set yourself up for the best chance of having a productive interaction—one that helps you accomplish your goal and still feel good about yourself in the process.

*For more information on health and wellness visit thewellatgsw.com

Categories: New ideas and approaches
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